Something Borrowed[Rade]

[arabella]

Arabella had some down time so she decided to read. It had been awhile since she had been able to read and Delilah had some books she lent Bella. Lately she had been much happier-freer. Since the crew knew her secret, she didn't have to wear a mask anymore. The guns were still an issue though, but Arabella would have to figure out a time to work on that. It just took someone she trusted. Right now that was Brian who tended to be busy and she was starting to trust Rade again. But then again, she may be gone before she got help from either of them.

Arabella found the little sitting area just off the kitchen and plopped into the chair. One of the legs dangled over the edge while the other was curled underneath her. Her hair fell down her shoulders for now since she wasn't cooking anything for the crew. She pulled her sweater tighter before opening to where she left off. It was a fictional book about a girl running from her past. Fitting really? Except her past was closer then she thought and always hovering and threatening her lifestyle-her new family, her marriage and her lifestyle. It was rather interesting. Only with Arabella, she was only afraid when planetside on Alliance dominated planets and she neither had a family nor was married.

Her head fell back to rest against the back of the chair. She thought she saw something furry run by out of the corner of her eye, but it could be nothing. Delilah's pet ran through all the time that it was becoming no big deal to Arabella. Though it was funny to see Rade go crazy over it and chase the thing around. Flip the page. The only thing that only a few people still knew about was the rape. Arabella would sometimes go talk to Brian if something got overwhelming. She wasn't sure if she should go to Rade or not. What she needed was a new journal to write about it in. Her last one got full up the previous week and they hadn't stopped anywhere so she could get something else to write in.

[radegrasan]

Rade was tired. Over the last three days he had only slept for about an hour or so, and it was starting to weigh through.
For some reason, old ghosts had been coming back to life again in his dreams, and it kept him awake at night. He'd tried to keep busy, yet old forgotten memories were coming above all over again. Three years had passed since it happened, three years without any form or stress or nightmares. But now they were coming, and Rade wondered why.

What could he do about it? What happened happened after all. Nothing he could do to change it. She was dead, and there was nothing he could do or say that would bring her back to life again. He didn't kill her, although he knew that her dead was his fault. But she betrayed him, played him. Even though she may or may not have realized it. And he... he loved her so much. He just wanted someone in his life he could call his own. Someone to love, and to spent the rest of his life with.

Brian had given Rade something to help him sleep, but it didn't seem to work in the way he wished. He had taken more pills than Brian told him to take, but the only thing it did was make him drowzy, too tired to fall asleep. Rade figured that maybe some alcohol would speed up the process and walked to the kitchen.

There was no one around. The silence in the Riley was almost scary. Rade took the bottle of whiskey he had labeled as his own and took a few big chugs from it. With the bottle in his hand, he started walking around for a bit, hoping it would speed things up.

He walked over to the common room, and saw Bella sitting there reading a book. He had been avoiding her a bit ever since that little incident with her, yet he had no desire to keep on fighting with her whatsoever.

The alcohol seemed to do its work, and Rade was starting to feel a bit dizzy. He sat down across from Bella and gave her a nod.

"Evenin' Bella." Rade said. "Wasn't expecting anyone to still be up."

[arabella]

Arabella wasn't sure how late it was. She didn't really care. She could nap in between meals. Technically, she was just a passenger so it didn't matter much if she slept a little here or there. Though she did get woken up every so often. It wasn’t anything to get upset about. There were days she slept in ally’s on certain border planets and moons. She’d only get a couple hours of sleep here and there. Getting woken up from a nap was nothing for her.

As she stretched in the chair, Arabella was careful not to stretch too far and hit something or maybe someone if they passed through. She couldn’t just sit in her passenger quarters and read all the time. Some days she could, but right now she couldn’t. Memories were hanging around again because she hadn’t been able to write. Plus her fears. What if her grandmother hadn’t given up like Bettie said? And if she had, did that mean she was really free? Arabella’s picture would probably still be in the Alliance network so if someone picked it up and alerted her grandmother, then what? Would she try to go after her?

She heard the footsteps and looked up from her reading. It was Rade. She figured he would pass by so she simply returned to her book. She noticed the bottle of alcohol but let it pass over. Arabella had seen worse in her travels. She didn’t expect him to sit down either.

Arabella shrugged a shoulder. It didn’t seem that late to her really. ”Rather bored in my room. Felt like reading elsewhere.” She sent a glance at him as she made sure her thumb held the place in her book. ”Seems like a long night. Care for a chat or just going to watch me?” She wasn’t trying to be sarcastic nor rude. Just playful you could say. Not in a flirty way but in a way that like friends sharing banter back and forth.

[radegrasan]

The mixing of the alcohol with the pills caused Rade to enter a state of bliss. It was the most relaxed he felt in a long time, and he decided to enjoy it while it lasted. He put the bottle of whiskey on the table next to him and let himself fall back in the seat.

"Sure." Rade said. "Ain't much else to do. We haven't lined up a job in weeks, and our supplies won't last forever. But of course I don't have to tell you that."

Rade was glad Bella was finally ready to let the whole incident go, and hoped things could go like the way they were before. At least in that way, he could have one person that may have liked him. Things had been pretty dull for him since the fight with Bella, and became even duller when Echo jumped ship.
Delilah was still good for him though, but her childlike attitude wasn't ideal to have a decent conversation. As for Brian and Faye...

Brian still remained his old objective self, yet he was also so serious and no fun to be around with. For some reason he didn't seem to lighten up, and took everything Rade said way too serious.
As for Faye... he still respected her as his captain, yet due to the lack of work and the lack of respect she showed him had caused him to get a bit more rebellious than in the beginning.

"Faye had better come up with some jobs fast." Rade continued. "Because this thing doesn't run on water either."

Rade looked around to make sure no one else was around. There wasn't. He figured Faye and Brian were asleep, probably together as well. He had seen what was going on between those two, seemed like they had more interest in eachother than what was going on aboard the ship.

"Bah. Faye and Brian." Rade thought. "Wish they'd pay more attention to what was going on instead of eachother."

"Oh just because you can't stand love doesn't mean others shouldn't either, Rade."

Rade looked up. His heart pounded. Did he say it aloud? No, he was convinced he only thought it. He was in a state of bliss but was the kind of man who knew what he said or did, in whatever state he was in. He looked at Bella. It didn't look like she had just said anything. Now he was just plain confused.

"Did... did you say anything?" Rade asked Bella.

[arabella]

Arabella found her bookmark and set it in the page she was at. It seemed like Rade was a little gone and a drunk mind always speaks a sober heart. She had a feeling if it got too out of control she may have to sway the bottle away from him and help him off to bed. Of course, she had no clue about how Brian was trying to help him sleep at night with pills. So Arbaella assumed the look on his face only had to do with his alcohol.

Arabella had noticed their lack of work. With a scrunched up face she sighed. Yes, it had been difficult. She had been using her creative ways on making protein mighty tasty for them. People on a boat couldn't not eat, though people were doing a good job at limiting themselves to two meals when needed. "It's not my place as a passenger only to mention jobs really. But you could say something to Faye." It's all she could think of though she knew it was also easier said then done.

Arabella was a bit naive on some things. While Rade noticed things about Brian and Faye, it passed over her. More so because of her lack of romance. She had only had anything serious with one boy in her life, but he was one of her grandmother's workers so everything had been secret. And it ended as abruptly as it began. They no longer spoke either. And when they had been together they hid it so well when they had to be near each other. They both acted like they knew their place-which they did in retrospect; she was high class Alliance socialite and he was the stable hand who drove their carriage and took care of their horses.

So it was no wonder really that when she saw Brian and Faye she didn't see what Rade saw. She simply saw the captain and the doctor. Nothing more. No sparks or harbored feelings or possible secret romance. Simply put, she saw two crews members. Alas, nothing special in her department. But, Arabella rarely saw what was right in front of her.

"Oh just because you can't stand love doesn't mean others shouldn't either, Rade."

Her ears perked up slightly at what he said. Then he asked if she had said anything. Arabella shook her head and spoke softly. "That was you Rade." She fidgeted with the cover of her book, not entirely sure what to say. She looked down and back up as she cleared her throat. "Um, who said you couldn't stand love?"

[radegrasan]

"Gorrammit, I think I'm losing my mind here." Rade thought. "Where in the ruttin' hell did that come from? I heard a voice, but did something made me say it as well? Gotta keep it together!"

Rade shook it off, pretending nothing had happened and blaming it on the alcohol mixed with the pills.

"Nothing, just never mind it." Rade answered. "It's just something someone told me a long time ago, sorta came to mind. I haven't slept in three days and I'm getting a bit weird. Don't worry about it. Last night I started twitching my arm just like that, like I had no control."

"Right Rade. Keep telling her that. You think a smart girl like that is going to fall for one of your lame excuses? I bet she can see right through you!"

Now he heard it again. But he didn't say it himself this time. Someone was in there with them. Scared out of his mind, Rade stood up and started looking around, looking for a ghost that wasn't even there.
He recognized the voice, it was her. But it just couldn't be, she was dead after all.

Rade started sweating, and got more anxious by the minute. He sighed heavily, and then let himself drop again in the seat.

He put his hands on his head and stared at the floor. Was he losing his mind for real? Or were the pills mixed with the scotch playing tricks with his mind?

It was then he realized he had been putting up quite a show in front of Bella, and he had to come up with something to ease things up.

"Sorry about that." Rade said. "Thought I heard Delilah's critter running around in here."

It was a lame excuse, Rade knew that. But it was all he could come up with. He felt anxious, scared and more dizzy by the minute. His heart was racing, and his breathing was getting more shallow.

"Gorrammit, what's happening to me?" Rade thought, not knowing what was wrong with him.

[arabella]

"Oh." Still, something didn't sit right with Arabella. If he hadn't been sleeping, then why not see if Brian had something rather then just drink? The hangover after would suck and because of it you wouldn't catch up on the sleep at all. "Well, you know if you ever need to talk I'm around or Brian's here or plenty of other people you could talk to."

Arabella was starting to get a little unnerved here. While things with her and Rade had been fine lately, this right now was plain old weird. Rade was saying things aloud that he didn't think he was saying. But not only that-he was saying them as if he was talking to himself as a different person. That was something she only read about in books. She was starting to wonder if she should get Brian or if it was just the booze talking.

She set her book aside and sort of looked around the room in thought. What should she be doing here. It's when she really started to notice Rade that Arabella panicked. She wasn't a doctor but she knew anxiety-it happened to her all the time. It was only a moment or two before he came up with a pathetic excuse for what was going on. Better be direct she thought.

"Well even if you had, you never acted like this, so why not tell me what's really going on." Rade could be blunt and an ass to her about her problems a little while back, why couldn't she do the same? She leaned forward so she could prop her elbows on her knees and rested her head in her hands. He had her full attention, every little crazy part.

[radegrasan]

Things got worse by the minute for Rade, and now he was busted as well. He wondered whether or not he should tell anyone what happened in that bar on Persephone three years ago. Maybe that would stop the nightmares. But the decision wasn't an easy one.

He looked at Bella in the deranged state of mind he was in. She was sitting there with her hands supporting her head, waiting for him to answer.

But then the background behind her started fading, as if someone was turning off the lights slowly. Rade looked around, looking for someone who was playing with the lights, yet there was no one. He looked back at Bella, who was now sitting in front of a black background. Then she started fading as well, and then she was gone, and he was left with only darkness.

"Rut! Did I go blind? I didn't drink that much alcohol!" Rade thought, fearing the worst.

He jumped up and turned around a couple of times, but it didn't help. There was only darkness.

"Scary, isn't it Rade?" The voice said again. "The same thing happens when you die."

Rade buried his head into his hands, and then noticed he could see his hands. He hadn't gone blind, that was clear now. Clearly enough he was hallucating, yet he didn't realize it himself yet.

But he knew that voice. He looked up to where it was coming from, and started to look in the darkness above, not realizing he was putting up quite a show for Bella in real life.

Rade got more scared by the minute, and started wondering what the voice wanted from him.

"Katie?" Rade asked. "Katie, is that you?"

"You tell me Rade." A voice behind him asked. "Is it me, or are you finally going mad?"

Rade turned around and got scared of out of his mind when he saw a Caucasian girl of average height standing there, with blonde hair. He immediately recognized her. It was Kate Turner, the girl he fell in love with back on Persephone, a girl that was killed three years ago.

"No... no! You... you're not real! You're dead Kate!" Rade said.

"I'm as real as that diseased mind of yours wants me to be, Rade." Kate answered.

"What do you want from me?!" Rade asked.

Kate took a few steps toward Rade, and bended over Rade's shoulder, toward his ear.

"I want you to suffer Rade. Like the way I suffered right before I died..."

Rade then pushed Kate, who in reality wasn't even there of him. But then all of a sudden he found himself back on Persephone, in the bar where it all happened.

He looked around. The bar was empty. It all seemed so real, yet in the back of his mind he knew he was still aboard the Riley. Then once again Kate appeared in front of him.

"Remember this place, Rade? This is where it all happened." Kate said.

"No... none of this is real! This isn't real!" Rade shouted.

"It was real enough back then, and it is real enough now Rade!" Kate answered.

Rade felt something in his hands. He looked down and saw that he was holding his revolver and his pistol. They were both smoking, as if they had just been used intensely. They weren't real of course, considering in reality he left them in his bunk, yet the hallucination made it seem as if he really was holding two weapons.

He then looked down, at his feet, and saw blood. He looked more to the left and saw a body lying there, and another one. And another one... The empty bar was now filled with dead bodies, just like it was three years ago.

"Remember this Rade?!" Kate yelled. "Remember what you did here?! Do you remember when you killed me???"

Rade got tears in his eyes. He tried to remember what happened back then. He didn't kill her that night. He didn't! But she did die.

"I didn't kill you Katie!" Rade answered. "I could never have hurt you!"

"Maybe not directly Rade!" Kate answered. "But what you did lead to my death, and you know it. Just as you know that I was still alive when you stood over me, right before you fleed from the scene!"

Rade fell to his knees. The body that lay in front of him was that of Kate. He looked at her just like he did back then, and saw that she was still breathing. Yet he couldn't remember whether or not he noticed it back then. Maybe he didn't notice, or maybe he didn't want to notice. Perhaps he was hurt so bad that he wanted her to die anyway. He didn't know.

"But you won't flee this time Rade." Kate said. "This time you're going to take responsibility. This time you're going to die with me, just like everyone else did that night!"

Kate now stood behind him, with Rade's own revolver in her hand. Rade heard the pen getting cocked, and then there was the blast...

He fell over forward, but was able to keep himself from smacking to the ground with his face by putting his hands on the ground. The anxiety was still there, yet it had made some room for nausea and stomach pains.

Rade vomitted, clearing his stomach from all the alcohol and pills he had taken. The hallucination was finally over, but not without leaving a deep impact on the young pilot.

Rade turned around and sat on the floor, with his back resting against the seat. For the first time in a long time, he was crying. He now realized fully what he did on Persephone, and for the very first time he felt guilty for it. He once again rested his head in his hands and thought about that day.

"My god... What have I done?" Rade said, not realizing Bella was still in there with him, and not realizing how she would react to all that had happened just now.

[arabella]

Arabella. Was. Scared. She was more then scared really because she was downright freaking out. Rade was having some sort of episode right before her. She had literally jumped back and up out of the chair, sending Delilah’s book flying across the floor. She wasn’t sure what to do here because she wasn’t sure where Brian was. He wasn’t in his bunk by the infirmary. That she only knew cause his door was open enough to tell no one was there. And Arabella wasn’t going to mess with the com and alert the whole crew. He wasn’t a danger to anyone, just…going mad.

Pressed against a wall, she simply watched. As she reached her hand up, she felt a bump from where she hit her head from jumping back. But that was the least of her worries. Rade was spewing things off at the mouth, most of which flew by her. What she did catch was some person named Kate was in his thoughts and Rade thought he was talking to her as well. She was dead and blamed Rade? Or Rade blamed himself? It was all rather confusing to her.

It was while she tossed this back and forth that Rade took a tumble. Arabella waited until he ceased his vomiting before moving forward with caution. He seemed to be done whatever was going on. As she took off her sweater, she tossed it to Rade. ”Clean up. Then lets go to the kitchen so you can get some water and I can mop this stuff up.” She walked around him and picked up the bottle of his liquor and closed it. She was shaking from the bit of fear she had from what just happened. ”And I need to know if I gotta act like a mad woman to get Brian’s attention for you or what because that…” Arabella couldn’t even look Rade in the eyes for fear that he might snap again. ”That…I can’t even explain what I was feeling and thinking watching you.”

[radegrasan]

Rade was broken. He felt all the emotions that he didn't feel for three years in less than a minute. He always refused to see it, but now he finally realized that he was the one responsible for Kate's death. And was it true what Kate said? Was she still alive when he stood over her so long ago? Why didn't he see it back then? Did he really just wanted her to die after what she did to him?

He then felt the wind when Bella threw her sweater on his lap. He had absolutely no idea where to begin. How was he to tell her that he was responsible for the death of fifty-four people, including that of someone he loved? And would telling her finally stop the nightmares? Or would he have to die just like Kate said?

”Clean up. Then lets go to the kitchen so you can get some water and I can mop this stuff up.”

As he wiped the sweat and tears from his face with the sweater, he noticed Bella walked around him and closed the bottle of liquor. For all he cared she could just throw it away, he wasn't going to drink for a long time now.

”And I need to know if I gotta act like a mad woman to get Brian’s attention for you or what because that… That…I can’t even explain what I was feeling and thinking watching you.”

Again, Rade felt scared. She couldn't. If Brian were to find out he'd tell Faye and that would cost him his place on the Riley for sure. There's no way Faye would keep him aboard knowing what he did.

"No wait, don't!" Rade said. "You can't tell him. You can't tell anyone what just happened!"

Rade stood up, with the sweater still in hand. He could use a cup of water right about now. The undigested alcohol coming back up had burned his throat.

"Look, I'll explain everything." Rade said. "But you have to promise me not to tell anyone."

[arabella]

Arabella was brought up by spoiled means. If she was still at her grandmothers, there was no way she'd be cleaning up her own puke-let alone someone else's. But this was the real universe to her. Not some fantasy world the Alliance elite liked to believe they lived in. Not that she was repulsed-ok she was a bit-but Arabella was a cook. She wasn't entirely afraid of getting her hands dirty. Just, hopefully her gag reflex didn't work against her.

As she ignored the chill, she knew either way at least she had to get back to teh kitchen. It's where their dingy mop rested. Plus, this mess wasn't getting cleaned up on it's on. Rade didn't seem in the right state to be doing it himself. Then there was the fact on if she had to hide the bottle from him for the rest of the night or not. More or less, where to hide it. Arabella wasn't keen on keeping it in her passenger bunk and have him scavenging there if he came looking for it. She'd have to think a little on that.

"No wait, don't! You can't tell him. You can't tell anyone what just happened!"

She turned to stare him down. He was a wreck to say the least. All sorts of his bodily fluids were on her sweater and he looked like he had been crying. This was something a bit desperate. He really didn't want anyone knowing. Of course, Arabella seriously tossed back and forth the idea of going to get Brian anyways. After what he spewed about her...attack. She still wasn't comfortable with Brian knowing that nor Rade still having that information. But, there was something in his eyes. She knew that she really had no choice.

With a nod of her head she looked around the room. "Alright, but you have to promise me as well that you won't go drinking anymore tonight. Don't need to find you in your bunk half covered in vomit and cold." His shirt had something on it. Probably splatter back from what she could assume. Arabella hadn't ever seen Rade this vulnerable. "How about you go back to your bunk and I'll bring you something to help settle your stomach after I clean this up? You llook like you could use more then a sweater to clean up.

Arabella really didn't know what to do except maybe see they had a bit of broth. She wasn't Brian and therefor didn't know how to medically help him. Just...help him like a friend would.

[radegrasan]

"I won't touch another drop. I promise." Rade said as he picked himself up from the floor.

He was still shaking on his legs, a consequence from seeing a ghost. Kate may not have really been there, but she was real enough for him.

He really appreciated Bella's help. It sort of surprised him she was still this helpful even after all that had happened.

"Thanks Bella." Rade said. "I appreciate this. I really do."

Giving her a friendly nod, Rade left for his bunk. As he climbed down he felt the trembling in his arms and legs, telling him he still wasn't recovered from the episode he just had.

He decided not to lay down just yet, but to sit on the edge of his bed, waiting for his stomach to get in order and the nausea to pass.

At least now he couldn't hear Kate anymore. Maybe now that he was going to fess up it would finally stop.

Rade pondered on how to tell Bella what he did three years ago...

[arabella]

"I won't touch another drop. I promise." Rade said as he picked himself up from the floor.

Arabella still debated on what to do. Finally she decided to hide it-just for the night. But it's not like it'd be way out there, just someplace in the kitchen. From the way it seemed, she doubted he'd go looking for it at the moment. But later she hoped if he did look, he'd eventually give up and move on if she hid it well enough.

With a nod of her head and a shrug of her shoulder, what else could she do? She wasn't a medic and he didn't want Brian's help. "No problem. Can't say anytime cause, well, I won't always be around to clean up your sick mess." Arabella wasn't about to chance another launch of his guts right now. Maybe if she helped out with this, they could work through what had happened.

As he turned for his bunk, she went to the kitchen. She found a cupboard everyone rarely went it-with glass dishes some crew hadn't sold yet-and hid it on it's side behind everything. She'd get it out in the morning. The next task was putting some water in the mop bucket without a nozzle that stretched out. It took using a large bowl and filling it roughly five times before dumping the hot water into the bucket. The mop solution was already in the bucket so it all mixed up as the water fell. She only filled it up about halfway in case there was a lurch or something. Didn't want another, yet watery, mess to take care of.

It took maybe five minutes to take care of the mess. The water was a weird, peach color with floating bits when she was done. There was something strangely resembling pills, but Arabella couldn't be sure. If that were so...should she tell Brian at least? Her hands shook a little as she thought over her options. If Rade went into a fit again, she would. No matter what Rade said or did to her. He would be putting them all in danger.

She emptied the bucket out and used the bowl to rinse it before she wiped down the sink. She found one of the metal cups and filled it with some chilly water for Rade. As she thought quickly, there was some ginger. Instead of just mixing it in, she grabbed that and a spoon before making her way to his bunk. As she was careful not to let it spill, she saw his door was open before she slipped in. "Here you go. I brought some ginger to add to your water if you still feel sick." Arabella leaned against his wall and shifted her weight from foot to foot nervously. "So, want to tell me what's going on?"

[radegrasan]

Rade sighed. Time to fess up now. There was no way he'd be able to get out of it. He figured he might as well tell, since he felt like he had nothing to lose anyway.

"I wasn't always like this." Rade answered. "You know, always on my toes, looking over my back, distrusting everyone. There was a time when I actually believed I could have a normal life, belonging like everyone else instead of from the outside looking in. And when I met Katie, it seemed like that belief became a certainty."

Rade took another sip from the cup of water. Talking about Kate was difficult, especially now.

"You know I had a tough time in that Alliance boarding school." Rade continued. "But right after graduation I met Kate in a bar back home. It didn't take much for us to become friends, and in no time I fell head over heels for her, and it seemed like the feeling was mutual. I felt like she was my reward you know? For enduring years of torment from others in that Alliance school. Kate was everything I looked for. Her parents were both browncoats and hell, they were even fond of me. Probably because I was a friend of Pete's but still... seemed like everything was clicking into place for me."

Good memories of Kate and him now became to emerge, making it even more difficult for Rade. One didn't need to be particularly observant to notice that he was filled with sorrow and regret.

"So anyway, on U-Day three years ago, Kate took me to this bar near the docks, said she had a lifechanging surprise for me." Rade said. "I thought that was it. That she and I were finally gonna hook up. Be a couple. Everything pointed in that direction and I had been patient long enough. But I was wrong. She introduced me to a captain and two of his crewmembers and... well..."

Rade paused for a second. This was the most difficult part of the story. No more fond memories. Now came the part of the pain and suffering he felt, and the one he caused.

"When she introduced the captain as her boyfriend... my heart shattered. My world collapsed. I've been beaten to an inch of my life before, but that pain was nothing compared with the pain I felt at that moment." Rade continued. "Turns out that was the surprise. The guy was looking for a pilot and a cook and he was gonna take us both on aboard his ship. I didn't say anything as the guy spoke. Hell, I even shook the bastard's hand. But inside I was angry and the anger became bigger by the minute. And then it turned out the bastard was a big supporter of the Alliance and he kept rambling on how great it was to celebrate U-Day. I started wondering why he got to have Katie instead of me. Why she would choose him over me."

Rade drank the last bit of water from the cup, and then put the cup back on the table. He then rested his elbows on his knees.

"It hurt so much to see Katie together with that scumbag. And I just angrier and angrier. So when he made a joke about the no good Independent scum that walked the surface of Persephone, I... I snapped." Rade said. "I stood up and without thinking I drew my revolver and I shot the bastard right through the head. Katie started screaming and when I saw his two crewmembers go for their guns I killed them too. But... but what happened after that..."

Rade paused again. Flashbacks of what happened came to mind. He still remembered it as if it were yesterday.

"You know how things are during U-Day." Rade continued. "But instead of a regular bar brawl, a gunfight ensued. Alliance supporters, Independents, criminals... everyone was fighting for himself. It was pure pandemonium. I ran and jumped behind the bar, killing everyone that came too close while bullets were flying all around me. The screams of men and women were even louder than the gunshots, and the odor of gunpowder filled the room. But then, after a while, all was quiet. As if nothing had happened. When I came out from my hiding place..."

Rade went through his hair with his hand. For a few seconds he didn't speak, just thought on the memory of what he saw three years ago.

"Everyone was dead Bella." Rade said. "I was the only one left standing. I looked around and I couldn't believe the carnage I saw in front of me. But then it suddenly hit me. Katie. I started looking for her and when I finally found her among the bodies..."

Rade looked up and stared at the ceiling. The tears in his eyes now became too much to bear and he couldn't keep himself from crying anymore.

"God help me." Rade said. "I can't remember whether or not she was still breathing. Why can't I remember?"

Rade put his head down and closed his eyes. He couldn't continue anymore. The sorrow had become just too much to bare. He never told anyone about what happened back then, fearing what people would think if he did. But he was so preoccupied with his own grief that at that very moment he didn't care. What would happen now was up to Bella.