spinning in a silent scream[George]

[roxanne]

Roxanne wasn’t sure how much time had passed since she left everyone upstairs. She hadn’t even taken care of the cleaning supplies she had taken out. They were still in the little living area. Her bit of chocolate was there as well. But she had no desire to keep doing anything nor to eat. She hadn’t wanted to tell everyone like that, but Ben had to know why. Especially since he thought she might be selling good underneath him. Roxanne had no need for that.

She rested on the floor with her back against her bed. Nathaniel’s things were at her feet. She had taken them out in a blind daze as soon as she climbed into her room. Photos were scattered on the floor, his box of clothes were open, all his journals were opened to various entries to had browsed through…They had pulled her out of the daze; but for some reason, she hadn’t cried. It had pulled at the strings like it used to. Something was changing now. Her emotions were changing and all she hoped was it was for the better.

Nathaniel had made a huge impact on her life. She didn’t deny it. She had thought he was the one. But whatever higher power was out there had taken them apart. It had taken Nathaniel from her before his time-before they could start a life together. Roxanne wasn’t sure if she could give her heart away after it being hurt that badly. It wasn’t Nathaniel’s fault, but she still hurt after his death none-the-less. Nothing could take away the pain she had felt. She was ready to move on emotionally. Pictures she wanted to keep, but everything else she knew his family needed to have. His journals, his clothing and stuff he had gathered in his travels. Those belonged with the ones who loved him from the day he had been born.

The chain was off her neck and she fiddled with the dog tags and the engagement ring. He had never technically proposed, but everyone had known he was going to. He had asked her father permission has she had just recently learned. His mother had suggested the best style of a ring to buy. Roxanne and Nathaniel had talked about it. Just, he had never gotten to propose. She’d show his family the pictures and talk about things with them. She hoped to keep one of the two dogs tags. They both held the same information. She just wanted one vital piece of him to hold close to her heart.

The pressure of the words from his family, her parents and the memory of Nathaniel’s death all rang in her head. She just wanted it to be done with. Roxanne felt her body fall down as she laid on her side, curled up in the fetal position. Sleep wouldn’t come to her, but she just wanted a bit of comfort.

[georgewest]

George walked over to Roxanne's door. He was hesitant today so he took a couple minutes to get over the. The problem was that he wasn't feeling himself today. However, that made him about as sympathetic as he could be. Right now, he knew what the pain of loss felt like as well if not more than anyone in the verse. He could still feel the pain involved in every hardship in his life as if it had just happened.

West pulled himself together for as long as he could and after taking a couple deep breaths he knocked on her door.

"Roxie, it's George. I was wondering if we could talk." he wasn't even sure if she would open the door but he hoped she would. He put his hands in his pocket and realized his own chocolate bar was still there. He probably wouldn't be eating that day.

In the distance he could hear Ben and JD messing with and rearranging the guns. He still needed to get an approximate value list for some of the meds he had picked up at the outpost. He also needed to make sure everyone got their shots soon. Jumping from planet to planet often involved diseases that people weren't used to and St. Alban's flu was nothing to sneeze at. But these were issues for a later time.

[roxanne]

There was no effort on Roxanne’s part to get from the floor to the bed. She was fine where she was. The chain was clutched in her hand as she stared across the floor at the scattered items. Eventually she would have to get up and check how everything was going in the cockpit. But not right now. Last time she checked everything was fine. And all the alerts were on in case something went wrong. She could wait a little while…

Roxanne’s head turned towards her door. George’s voice came through after he knocked. She couldn’t get her voice to work at first. She barely choked out, ”It’s open. Come in.” She didn’t want to get up form her spot on the floor. Since she had pulled the blanket down, it was particularly comfortable. Plus she had pictures of Nathan scattered about to look out to help things out. It was still weird how she hadn’t cried, but she couldn’t be around everyone after telling them. Usually she could at least be around them and just deal with her emotions. But with everything else she had going on with everyone, she just needed to escape from the crowd for a little while.

When George finally appeared, she looked at him. It was one of her days where she didn’t feel like talking much. ”I don’t want a sedative. I’m perfectly calm.” After he was killed, the doctor had slipped her a sedative without any warning. It hadn’t been pleasant and Roxanne didn’t want a sedative unless absolutely needed.

[georgewest]

"No that's not why I'm here," George responded to her asking about sedatives. The thought hadn't crossed his mind really. He was having trouble figuring out exactly what to say and how to start a conversation. After a couple seconds, he noticed all the photos and items scattered on the floor. She must be taking a painful trip through memory lane, he thought.

"I just wanted to let you know that...if you want to talk...I'm here," he said still having some trouble. He knew how she felt, and if she was anything like him, she wouldn't feel up to talking. He had to start by letting her know he could relate. "I know what you're going through...I've...lost every friend and family member I've ever had," he paused for a moment. He had never really said it out loud before. He felt like a slight amount of his burden had been lifted merely by confiding this little amount.

"A lot of people think I'm this cheerful guy that's not affected by anything...but...it just isn't true..." he trailed off slightly as the burden slipped back in to place and a few more images from his past flashed in front of him. Maybe they could help each other out.

[roxanne]

Roxanne nodded her head in understanding. ”Just making sure. Can‘t be too cautious.” Most everyone she had encountered in the past had said they if she wanted to talk that they were there. But most of them had the same advice about it took time to heal and eventually she would find someone who would heal the pain. Well, the time part was right. But she was tired of the cliché statements either way. They only made it worse. Especially when she had normal days when she was perfectly happy and light in spirits.

But George was being genuine. His pain was real compared to those who came through just to try to ease her wounds. ”I..” Roxanne wasn’t sure what to say. So she just let it all ramble out in a mess. ”It was a little over a year ago. He was on a job with my father and brother when the man they were dealing with turned on them. Wanted more then what he first spoke with them about. My father stood his ground. And…a gun fight ensued.” Her fingertips reached over for the nearest picture of him, just grazing it. ”He was protecting my father. Didn’t even make it back to the ship alive. We had talked about marriage and a family so I took it especially hard. That’s why I left my father’s ship. I needed my own time to heal. To move on. Which is what I’ve down slightly, I thought.” She shook her head as her eyes clamped shut and her palm rubbed at her forehead. ”I began to fix the strife with my family and they’ve insisted on me just…forgetting Nathaniel and moving to another relationship. Things I have not even thought about yet until I can see his family and truly come full circle. And even then they don’t understand.”

What her family didn’t understand was there was no one she could give herself to like she gave herself to Nathaniel. When she was ready, she might if the right man came along. But they thought she should simply begin to try dating. Roxanne’s eyes fluttered open as they fell on George. ”What about you? Do you talk about the ones you’ve lost?” This was the first time she had spoken to anyone outside of her family or Nathaniel’s as intimately about it as just now. She hadn’t gone so much into their romance and life together though. That, was her own business. No one else’s. Even someone she was finding to be a friend.

[georgewest]

"No, I try not to bring up my past if I can help it...in fact, your the first person I've told a lot of this to," he paused. He didn't need to help himself feel better. That wasn't his job. He wanted to help others even if that meant pushing his own needs aside.

I'm really sorry about what happened, and I know that the feeling of loss won't go away but maybe if you focus on all the good times...the reason the loss hurts so much is because the joy was so great," he paused again. He was trying to get the words right. "The more grief, the more underlying joy. So, I would try to focus on all those good times...and remember, If you need someone to talk to or just sit there silently next to, I'm here."

He just sort of sat there unsure what to say or do next. He hoped that she would know.

[roxanne]

It felt nice to have someone to confide in, and that George was able to confide in her as well. Even if it was just a peak into what made George, George. She took in a deep breath as she set the photo on the floor and let her fingertips lightly trace over it. Nathaniel’s face would forever be frozen in time-in that moment. While he was in the better place he went off to, she knew everyone would love him. She was just glad that her brother and doc had cleaned him up before sending him off to his family. He deserved more respect, but they had been stranded when it came the proper time for a funeral.

After some silence, she pushed herself up on the floor to sit up. Roxanne ran her hand through her hair as she stared at the mess she had made. ”I have been, that’s why I haven’t really broken down since leaving my dad’s ship. But, just hard when everyone expects you to just move on just like that. That’s why I’m having such trouble.” She managed a smile before she motioned for George to come sit by her. The necklace was wrapped around her wrist like a bracelet at this point. ”George, if your going to offer to people to be there for them, you have to let people be there for you too.” Her hand found his and she squeezed it to show she meant what she said as well.

[georgewest]

George was glad to hear her say this, but he wondered if he should tell her what was going on with him that day. After a few seconds that seemed to lats hours. George took a deep breath.

"I'm about to tell you something that I've never told anyone before," he started. "Every once in a while I'll wake up and... uh... every death and bad thing I've seen in my life will flash before my eyes. It can take over an hour and I'm flooded with every emotion linked to these events," he paused to wipe his eyes. "Then it will repeat at random intervals throughout the day."

He stopped for a few brief seconds to catch his breath and regain his composure. He had only known Roxanne for a few days and yet his biggest secret had already been shared

[roxanne]

Roxanne felt her hand reach out and loop through George’s arm. She rested her head on his shoulder as she listened to him speak. So far, he was the closest friend she had. He had listened to her and she was willing to listen to him. Her head turned to rest her chin on his shoulder and look at him. ”If it ever gets overwhelming, just find me. I’ve had walking nightmares before-per say. I sometimes thing I see Nathaniel laying on the ground and have to do a double take. Sometimes it’s stress and exhaustion but other times..”

She shook that off. This was about George, not her. ”You’re a strong person. To have to deal with all these bad thins and still go through your life. Most people would have taken their life by now or would be close to it. But, not you. I respect that.”

In the moments of silence that followed, there was a level of understanding on Roxanne’s end. She would not speak of what he had told her and that she had someone to confide in. She was starting to feel a lot better about everything that was going on.